Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
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I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Muppet Screams
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.