4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
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Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*