They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
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HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
look at me when i’m typing to you
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.