me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
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[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car