Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
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Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.