The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
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Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Body by Oreos
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry