Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
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Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!