Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
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Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly