Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
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[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car