[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
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ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.