The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
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Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
early stone age tool