I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
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My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”