[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
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Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
How high do the levels go?
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”