After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
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1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Twitter remains undefeated
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.