if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
You Might Also Like
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
#SaturdayBears
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.