“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
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Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Well, this certainly took a turn
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it