Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
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Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
a fate I wish upon no one
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Sharon, call the vet
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is