Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
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If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Ladies, why y’all do this?
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom