I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
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ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.