assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
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*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
it must be school picture day
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.