I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
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Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Generation gap…
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”