I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
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skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle