My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
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[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
me hitting on a model
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?