Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
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6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Growing out my freckles.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
concern
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Living the best life.. 😊
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.