One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
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I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
incredible book dedication
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Great game to play with friends