Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.