The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
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I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.