My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
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Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
How about daylight saves us for once
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?