Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
You Might Also Like
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
That de-escalated quickly
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Netflix and you sit over there.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.