“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
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I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.