Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
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My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I’m dying louder than usual today.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??