Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
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best first i’ve ever seen
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.