It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
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Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit