Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
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I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Doggies just call it style.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Autocarrot sucks!
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.