me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
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“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)