[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
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DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”