For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
You Might Also Like
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
good work, everybody
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar