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If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.