He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
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Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
doing your own taxes
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list