I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
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let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!