Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
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The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Morning my dudes.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
You’ll be OK
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Cndnsd Mlk
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf