I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
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She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.