[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
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Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
My love language is deader than Latin
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm