[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
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Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
New menu item
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it