Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
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It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
I don’t think my car can fly
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Incredible customer service.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
That’s what I call a flat tire
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.