My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
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I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
the clam before the storm
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?