ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
You Might Also Like
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
two people or more is called a problem
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank