Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
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doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
[eulogy]
line?
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
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.
.
.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50