God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
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My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
The photographer’s assistant
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis