My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
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Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL